I finally asked him… if you were given an expiration date tomorrow, would you be sad? His answer snapped me out of my 6-month funk immediately.
Let me back up…there’s something I’ve been keeping from you, that I’m now ready to talk about.
You know how I live like I’m retired now versus someday, because someday isn’t guaranteed?
Well, the idea of having a finite amount of time slammed into me like a Mack truck last December.
No, I didn’t have a health scare, no one in my family got seriously sick (thank God), but one thing did happen… Ryan turned 40.
I didn’t know that this was going to impact me so much, but it did. In a HUGE depression kind of way.
The reason it hit me so hard was because it feels like we are just starting, but we’re not, we’re essentially halfway over (if we’re lucky).
The thought of having lived half of my life already, made me feel so sad that I literally dug myself into a pretty serious funk.
For months I have been trying to find something pull me out. And nothing has worked until I asked Ryan that question, would you feel sad if you were given an expiration date tomorrow?
He said, no. I have lived a really good life and I would feel selfish to ask for more.
He didn’t know this at the time but as we walked and he explained his perspective, I felt lighter with every step I took.
And then it hit me, of course the answer was right in front of my face the entire time, gratitude.
Gratitude is what got me through the loss of my dad.
People would say, oh you’re so young to have lost your father. And I would respond, I feel so lucky to have gotten a dad like him for 26 years, many don’t even get one day with a dad like that.
After Ryan finished his explanation, I told him what my dad said the day he found out he was dying: I wouldn’t ask for my money back. I have lived a great life and this has been the best ride I could have ever asked for.
And with that Candle Family, my funk has lifted. I look at my life and I think, man I have lived a great life. I have traveled, married the best workmate ever, I’m a mom to two beautiful, healthy babies, I get to be home and watch them grow, I wholeheartedly love myself (flaws and all) there really isn’t anything more I need.
Everything here on out is a bonus.
Awe (big exhale) I have wanted to talk about this for so long but I couldn’t because I didn’t have a solution to my struggle. And now that I feel back to myself, I can share what I have been going through in hopes that it helps just one person.